Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
