I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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