Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
