why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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