His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize