Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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