Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
