I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
