i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
