either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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