He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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