if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Still dying that you shit outside
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
