Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
