Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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