If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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