I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I love having hate sex.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
