Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
