I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
