I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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