You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize