Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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