At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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