420 ftw
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
