Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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