Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
