Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
