we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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