I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Ladies don't puke and tell
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
