my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
