I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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