Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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