i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
