I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm both gender and math confused
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
