There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
