I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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