I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
