Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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