We're facebook friends in real life
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've blown a few things in my day
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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