The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
