he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
