i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
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3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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