Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Randomize
