im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
