shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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