I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
