You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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