I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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