My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
