upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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