hotel room ftw
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
