he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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