Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
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I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
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Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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