when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
